Why You Should Never Eat Muggle Cough Sweets
by Rin Berry
Summary: Almost a musical. Dumbledore's idea to eat muggle food starts to have weird effects on the Slytherins. And Draco Malfoy feels pretty... oh so pretty... in fact, he feels pretty and witty and bright....


Hello! Happy New Year! I hope you all had a great time.  
I decided to stop being such a lazy bugger and write something. Even though I think I'm about to fall asleep on the keyboard and make a whole load of junk appear on the screen. c6 b7yív 6y 6b dfs n4sd7dhn. Sorry. Couldn't help it. :-)  
Well, this fic is a change from my usual R/H romances. The idea came to me in the middle of the night while I was going downstairs to get a drink, and I kinda had to write it down quickly. Which probably accounts for my lack of sleep.  
Well, on with the little "musical". Most of this stuff American people won't get cos I don't know if the ads and programmes I took most of this stuff from are shown over there. I hope I don't come across as racist, because believe me, I'm not. (If I was, would I have the friends I do?) I know it's got a REALLY bad ending but I couldn't think of anything to say. I'm strange, yes I know. The end was actually written by none other than my friends and woooooaaaaaaaah they're crazy. And the disclaimer's at the end cos it's so long. No, really. There's a _lot_ of stuff.

* * *

MONDAY

"You **__****_WHAT_**?!?"  
"Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin roof! Rusty."  
The hall burst out laughing. Although it was not unusual for the Slytherins to shout things out during dinner/assembly, but the muggle-borns in the room knew that Draco Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson were singing a bit of a song called "Loveshack" by the B52's. The fact that the two were going out made it even funnier.  
Dumbledore cleared his throat.  
"Yes," he said, looking amused, "Thank you for that... question, Slytherins. And yes, you probably _did_ hear me correctly. Starting from tonight's dinner, we have decided to have different muggle meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I know that we have some muggle things like toast for breakfast, and pies for dinner, you know what I mean, but you will eat muggle sweets, and drink muggle drinks too. Madame Pomfrey would also be delighted if you will use muggle remedies if you feel ill, as she is researching the effectiveness of muggle medicine. Obviously, if you break a bone due to the upcoming Quidditch season that will be dealt with in the magical way." Dumbledore paused to let the students soak in this information. "Does anyone have any questions?" he asked.  
"Yeah! What the hell was that stuff we just ate?" Malfoy shouted, his usually pale face tinged with pink.  
"That, Mister Malfoy, was a dish you were supposed to eat along with the rest of us in the hall," Dumbledore said with a twinkle in his eyes. "It is a dish from India called 'Chicken Tikka Masaala'. I trust you enjoyed it?" he added at the end, teasing Malfoy. Malfoy didn't say anything. He was outraged that they had to have anything to do with muggles. "Anyway," Dumbledore continued, "As I explained, today is an Indian meal. It is chicken in a mildly spicy curry sauce. I trust some of the muggle-borns in this room will know that fathers usually enjoy a curry?" Murmurs of agreement went around the room. "And as you will see, we don't have pumpkin juice tonight. We have two soft drinks- these are basically watery juices with bubbles- and the drinks we have tonight are called 'Coca-Cola' and '7up'."  
"What happened to the other 6 ups?" Ron deadpanned to Harry and Hermione.  
"7up is a lemonade, and Coca-Cola is a coke. There will be a different brand of Lemonade tomorrow night. We also have orange juice. Enjoy!" Dumbledore finished his speech and sat down to eat.  
While everyone was eating, some of the Slytherins got up and started to jump around like kangaroos, and the other Slytherins at the table started singing, to the tune of Skippy;  
"Skipinda, Skipinda, Skipinda the Punjabi kangarooooo!" No-one could contain their laughter. Muggle-borns recognised this from a TV show called 'Goodness Gracious Me!' This was a show written by Asians who basically made fun of themselves.  
A Slytherin boy went up to a Slytherin girl, and said, loudly enough for the whole school to hear,  
"Have you ever thought about becoming a Hindu?"  
"Yes, actually, I have."  
"Well you CAN'T! You're WHITE!!  
"Er..." she started, "So are you..."

* * *

TUESDAY

When everyone came down to breakfast the next day, they wondered whether anything like yesterday's events would happen. Seeing that everything looked normal, they sat down to a breakfast of Frosties and orange juice.  
But, while everyone else ate breakfast in peace, the Slytherins were having a bit of trouble. Goyle suddenly walked up to Crabbe, and said in a very English accent,  
"Sir, I'm afraid that the notorious Evil Dr. Cheetah has broken in and is going to steal the Secret Formula." Crabbe looked horrified, and said in a terrible American accent,  
"The Secret Formula? But that's what makes Frosties taste so great!" He ran out of the hall and returned wearing an orange shirt with black stripes, looking very like 'Tony the Tiger' from the actual Frosties ads. He ran up to Malfoy, who was holding a piece of paper that said 'Secret Formula X' and said, "Evil Dr. Cheetah. I'll take this!" Crabbe took the paper and then tied Malfoy up with a rope.  
"**MUMMY**!" Malfoy yelled in a weird, distorted voice.  
"I _love_ Frosties!" Goyle said.  
"They're grrrrrrrrrreat!" Crabbe shouted.  
They all paused for a moment, and then sat down, looking embarrassed.

In Transfiguration that day, Pansy Parkinson ate a Smartie. McGonagall asked her  
"And what does this mean, Miss Parkinson?" and she replied,  
"Only Smarties have the answer."

At lunch that day, there was a lemonade called R. Whites. Malfoy drank it first, and then started singing in a very deep voice a strange song about how great this lemonade was. Pansy Parkinson and a few other Slytherin girls crowded round him like his was a superstar, and when he reached the part of the song where the lemonade was named, the girls all went "R Whites! R Whites!" Malfoy looked like he was immensely enjoying it.

Dinner was pretty uneventful, as it was shepherds pie and fizzy water.  
Except for one thing.  
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle walked out of the hall, returning wearing old fashioned flying jackets, fake moustaches and flying goggles on their heads.  
"It's time for Splatoon!" Malfoy yelled.  
"Yes, how are you old chap?" Crabbe asked Goyle.  
"That's jolly nice of you to ask," he replied, "I'm absolutely spiffing! You dear boy?"  
"Marvellous."

* * *

WEDNESDAY

For breakfast the next day Frosted Shreddies were being served. A 1st year Slytherin called Oliver Brown (who, in fact, looked really swotty) took one bite and then ran round the hall, bumping into things, looking really spaced out. Everyone wondered what was going on, until Malfoy stood on the table, pointed at Oliver and yelled out "Frosted Shreddies! Too cool for geeks!"

6th year potions was on that day, so while Snape droned on but somehow kept everyone attentive, Malfoy stuck his hand up and said,  
"Sir... please can I have a... a _throat lozenge_.." as though the 'throat lozenge' part was poison.  
"Of course you can." So Malfoy took out a packet of Tunes.  
Harry saw this, and remembering the ad on the TV for tunes, he nudged Ron and Hermione and said, "Hey, watch this..." When Malfoy had taken the lozenge, Harry slyly said "How do you feel _now_ Malfoy?"  
Malfoy paused for a minute, and then started to sing, dancing round the classroom.  
"_I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel witty and pretty and **BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!**_"  
While the rest of the Slytherins got up to add a backing chorus for Malfoy, the Griffindors were almost wetting themselves laughing. Hermione had her head down on the desk, banging her fist against the desk and tears were leaking from her eyes. Harry was holding his stomach and gasping for air, whereas Ron had just laughed too much and fallen off his chair. (a/n- I've actually done this before. It kinda hurts). To make it worse, Snape had joined in and was dancing around with Malfoy (a/n- I hope I'm not making them sound gay or anything)... it was too funny for words.

Dinner that day was one of the best yet. There was pizza but the drink was Vimto. (a/n- Ah... Vimto. My saviour) The Vimto managed to get everyone hyper. _Everyone._ Every singe house had at least three incrediblyhighIdon'tcareifImakeafoolofmyself hyper people, but naturally all of the Slytherins were like that. Dumbledore had also introduced chocolates in the shape of Pokémon. This was a mistake. 12 of the Slytherins were singing the Pokémon theme tune, and three of them were acting out the team rocket scene- "To protect the world from devastation..." etc. But two Hufflepuffs were singing the 'Pokérap' that featured regularly on a muggle TV show called SMTV:Live. They had magicked on red jumpers that had a Pikachu sewn on to the front. They started rapping. (a/n- my friends little brother made this up, not me. K? And I don't know how to spell the names or anything)  
_"SMTV is the place to be,  
If you wanna catch Staru or Starme,  
If catching them is hard for you,  
You might want some help from your Pikachu,  
Pikachu, Pikachu, P-P-Pikachu,  
Pikachu, Pikachu, P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-Pikachuuuuuuuuuuu!  
SMTV will make ya Pokétough,  
9:25 every Saturday....  
Don't be a Jigglypuff. Ah yeah!"_  
Cho Chang walked up to Professor Sprout, a thin woman, put on a Kiwi (New Zealand) accent, and said  
"Madame, would you like to try this revolutionary new product from Camigo Cosmetics. It gets rid of cellulite."  
"Er... Miss Chang, I don't think I have cellulite."  
"No, Madame, you do."  
"I don't."  
"Madame, I think I know cellulite when I see it, and believe me, you _need_ this product very badly. No offence." She added at the end, and then walked off, re-applying the red lipstick that there was already too much of.  
Fred and George Weasley made the perfect hyper team, copying a sketch from the incredibly great but now finished muggle comedy 'The Fast Show'. They walked up to the new DADA teacher, both wearing identical suits, and started to talk to him.  
"You're an American, aren't you sir?" Fred started.  
"Yes, I am." the teacher said.  
"_Banged_ anyone lately sir?" George said,   
"Er.... I just wanted a suit."  
"Oh, a suit." Fred looked at George.  
"What type of suit would you like sir?" George said,  
"Well, I don't know. What would you suggest?" the teacher looked bewildered.  
"It's either a tuxedo," Fred said,  
"Which isn't good for work," George added,  
"Or it's a classic pinstripe."  
"Ooh! Suits you sir, suits you!"  
"Ooh! Suits you!"  
"Does sir like it? Suits you sir,"  
"Oh, suits you!" Fred and George then walked off and Malfoy walked up to the teacher and then said,  
"You _are_... the Weakest Link. Goodbye!"

That night, in the dormitory, Harry asked Ron a question.  
"So what d'ya think about all this?" Ron paused before answering.  
"It's all bollocks, isn' it?

* * *

THURSDAY

People were now starting to look forward to the actions of the Slytherins due to the new food. Today, laid out on the breakfast table, was Coco Pops. After eating them, several 3rd year Slytherins stood up, yelled out "We'd rather have a bowl of Coco Pops!" and then danced their way out of the room, singing 'The Copacabana'  
_"Her name was Lola... She was a show girl... Down at the Copa... Copacobaaaaaanaaaaaaa! Do do do do do la la la la do do......"_

In the middle of Care of Magical Creatures, a Slytherin boy walked in, carrying a large pot of something. He walked up to Hagrid, handed over the pot and then said, his eyes out of focus,   
"Here's your orange sheeeerrrrrbeeeeerrrrt..."

That lunchtime saw the arrival of Irn Bru. No-one went quite as crazy as they did with the Vimto, even though the sugar contents of the drink were probably the same. Every single one of the Slytherins got up and yet again danced out of the room, singing "Lovestruck" by Madness.  
_"Lovestruck, fallen for a lampost,  
Giving it my utmost,  
Spilling out my deepest feelings......."_

At dinner people started singing 'The Timewarp' as they walked in and sat down. Malfoy even dressed up in drag. And no-one knew he had such a high voice... it was pretty disturbing.  
After eating dessert, which was peaches and cream, Snape got up, holding a guitar, and he started playing.  
_"Moving to the country,  
Gonna eat a lot of peaches,  
Moving to the country,  
Gonna eat me a lot of peaches...  
PEACHES COME FROM A CAN  
THEY WERE PUT THERE BY A MAN,  
IN A FACTORY DOWN TOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWN.....  
IF I HAD MY LITTLE WAY,  
I'D EAT PEACHES EVERYDAY,  
EITHER PUT THEM WITH CREAM OR PIE...."_  
It was scary. And it looked like the effects of the Irn Bru were just starting.

* * *

FRIDAY

Friday breakfast was pretty boring. No-one was hyper. They ate scrambled eggs. Millicent Bulstrode bored them all about "Why you should look for the Lion on your Eggs". It went something like this:  
"There are so many way you and your family can enjoy eggs when you look for the Lion.  
Lion eggs come from hens vaccinated against Salmonella."  
"Ah, but when you have salmon you don't have to worry about 'chickenella'..." Ron quipped quietly. Millicent continued.  
"Each egg has a code for freshness, and they're laid in the UK.  
These are just three ways the Lion guarantees a new standard of quality for eggs.  
So look for the Lion."  
Snores came from Fred and George.

During 2nd year Potions, Professor Trelawney walked in and disrupted Snape's lesson. She was eating a Crunchie. She walked up to him, put her arms around his neck and sung  
_"I'm so excited!  
And I just can't hide it!  
I know, I know, I know, I know,  
I know I want you!_" Snape looked up, raising an eyebrow. "Crunchie. I've got that Friday Feeling!" She said, and danced out of the room.

In another class, a girl called Laura Bounty ate a Bounty. She then sang  
"Bounty the stronger soaker upper.... BounTY!" and then she clamed down, looked round the room and said "I'm a chocolate bar, _and_ a kitchen towel. Weird."

The dinner that night was one of the funniest yet. They were given 'Super Noodles'. Malfoy ate some, ran out of the room (he was now famous for this) and returned wearing one of Pansy's bright pink _very_ short dresses, and the top was padded with socks and all. Malfoy started to sing in a very, _very_ high voice, waving his fork and Super Noodle pot around.  
"_IIIIIIIIII'm every woman,  
It's only MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_"  
Crabbe and Goyle looked at him. He looked back, embarrassed. But then Crabbe and Goyle ran out of the room and returned in dresses. Crabbe was wearing a Union Jack dress, just like Geri Halliwell's one, and Goyle wore a ballgown, covered in bright red and gold sequins. And yes, they both had sock stuffing.  
Crabbe and Goyle joined Malfoy, they all got up on top of the table, used their forks as microphones and all sang in incredibly high voices (Crabbe and Goyle had a bit of trouble)  
_"IIIIIIIIII'm every woman,  
It's only MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!_"

* * *

SATURDAY

It was the second last day of the muggle diet, and one of the best.  
At breakfast, even though it was a plain toast day, it seemed the Slytherins had been watching the Simpsons and also Harry Enfield. Jamie Evans, an older Slytherin, put his top teeth over his bottom lip, walked up to the teachers table, and said  
"Excuse me.... do you know where the washing powder is?"  
Another Slytherin called Philip Hawkins walked up, pointed to Hagrid and said, in a very Japanese voice,  
"Ohhhhhhh! Mr SPARKLE! It's Mr Sparkle!! The Washing Powder! _MR SPARKLE_!"

Lunch was, unfortunately, very uneventful. People just started singing the song "Let's Get Ready To Rumble" by Ant & Dec (formerly PJ & Duncan). Very confusing indeed.

At dinner Chinese food was served. While helping herself to some Chicken & cashews, Hermione nudged Ron and Harry and told them to look at the Slytherin table. They looked, and they saw a Karioke machine being made to work without electricity. The beginning of Mambo No. 5 began to play. Snape walked down from the teachers table, and took the microphone. He began to sing, but first adding

_"Ladies and gentlemen... this is Chinese No. 5.  
1, 2, 3 4 5  
Everybody in the car so come on lets ride  
To the Chinese store around the corner  
The boys say they want some Sweet & Sour  
But I really don't wanna_

Lemon Chicken like I had last week  
I must stay deep cos Noodles are cheap  
I like  
Egg Fried Rice  
Shrimp Fried Rice  
Boiled Rice and  
Pilau  
I know the vegetarians they don't eat Meatau

So what can I do I really beg you my Lord  
To me Seaweed is just like a sport  
Any big time  
They're all good  
Let me get some Soup out from the trunk

A little bit of Shredded Beef in my life  
A little bit of Meaty Ribs by my side  
A little bit of Alcohol's all I need  
A little bit of 7up's what I see   
A little bit of Chicken in the sun  
A little bit with Cashews all night long  
A little bit of Prawn Crackers here I am  
A little bit of Food makes me a man..."

Everyone was cracking up as all of the Slytherins, including Snape, began to dance to the instrumental. Snape started singing again.

_"Jump up and down, and move it all around  
Shake your hands to the sound put your napkin on the ground  
Move one dish left, and one dish right  
One to the front, and one to the side  
Clap your hands once, and clap your hands twice  
And if a waiter comes up then you're doing it right,_"

He sang the chorus twice. Then sang again.

_"I do all to fall in love with a food like you  
Cos you can't change, cos you are trad-  
itional food and I love you for that..."_

He sang the chorus again, and then at the end they all took a bow. There was a standing ovation.

* * *

SUNDAY

The Sun finally dawned on Sunday. The last day of the muggle diet. It should be a good one.  
For breakfast it turned out that Dumbledore had decided to let them have chocolate cake for breakfast, as a treat for 'handling the week so well'. The Slytherins ate about _one bite_ of the cake, and then Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Snape started to sing 'Chocolate Cake' by the almighty Crowded House.  
_"Not everyone in New York would pay to  
See Andrew Lloyd Webber,  
May his trousers fall down as he bows to  
The queen and the crowd.  
I don't know what tune the orchestra played,  
But it went by me sickly and sentimental..._

Can I have another piece of Chocolate Cake,  
Tammy Baker's got a lot on her plate  
Can I have another cheap, cheap Picasso fake,  
Andy Warhol must be laughing in his grave!"

The Slytherins were all dancing on the tables now, clapping their hands to the imaginary beat, while the singers carried on all the way through the song. (a/n- there's so many lyrics I can't be bothered to write them out)

At lunch, when everyone was settled down in the hall, Snape walked in. Wearing a typical white sequinned Elvis costume. He had the hair down to a 'T' and he had the sunglasses and everything. He walked through the hall, seemingly unaware of the stares he was getting, and sat down at the teachers table, and calmly began to eat. Malfoy got up, started to dance, while Pansy Parkinson started singing 'Little biddy help from Elvis' by Space. It wasn't all of the verses, just the chorus and one of the most memorable verses.

_"It all went wrong one Saturday night,  
When we were watching TV,  
Elvis got angry and short at the screen,  
But instead he got you and me...._

It's just a little old you and me,  
And a little biddy help from Elvis,  
It's just a little old you and me,  
And a little biddy help from Elvis..."

The dinner that day was none other than Kraft Cheesy Pasta. Everyone ate it and then Malfoy ran out of the room and returned wearing...  
A vicar's costume.  
"Now we have eaten this meal, we must say our thanks to the Lord." He stated.  
"Aren't we meant to do that _before_ we eat?" Lee Jordan yelled out.  
"Just listen. We thank you Lord that we are about to... SEE ME STRIP!" Everyone ran away screaming, "Yes, it's I! The legendary Stripping Vicar! Ah! Ha ha!" Malfoy started to take his robes off, he got down to his pants...

"**__****AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!**" Ron Weasley yelled, and woke up out of his daydream.  
"What's wrong Ron?" Harry asked.  
"Are we on a muggle diet?!?!"  
"No. That was last week."  
"WHAT?"  
"You fainted at dinner. Seeing Malfoy strip was too much." Hermione explained.  
"Oh. that's OK. What happened after?"  
"Dumbledore decided it was too much for the 'innocent' 1st years. Lots of them had seen it on TV anyway. Just not with Malfoy."  
"What happened to Malfoy?"  
"He's still in the hospital wing."  
"WHAT?"  
"Yeah, they're trying to get his adoring female fans away from.... that area." Hermione said. Ron and Harry both cringed in unison.  
"Ooooh. Geez, who would have thought? Malfoy the sex symbol.... Scary..."

* * *

DISCLAIMER: OK, there's so much to write down here that I'm gonna break it up into sections. I also apologise for the fact that I don't know who half of it belongs to.  
Songs: Loveshack belongs to the B52's I'm guessing. I really don't know.  
The 'I feel pretty' song belongs to the genius who wrote it and made everyone laugh.  
The 'Copacobana' (sorry whoever wrote it... I don't know how to spell it) song belongs to the people who thought it up.  
'Lovestruck' probably belongs to Graham McPherson (i.e. Suggs) cos he probably wrote it and also the mad (surprisingly) group Madness.  
The Timewarp is from the Rocky Horror Show. That's pretty funny. The song 'Peaches' most likely belongs to the strange group "The Presidents Of The United States Of America" (no, not the real ones)   
The 'I'm so excited' song is (I think) the property of the group who sung it/the people who wrote it/whoever.  
'I'm Every Woman' song is, I'm guessing, the property of someone out there.  
'Mambo No. 5' belongs to Lou Bega and co, probably. But 'Chinese No. 5' was made up by me and half of it was made up by my friend. So I'm guessing that _that_ version is ours.  
'Chocolate Cake' belongs to Almightily Incredibly Marvellously Amazingly Wonderfully I-can't-praise-enoughily brilliantly talented Neil Finn and his brother Tim Finn cos they wrote it and the equally as talented Crowded House cos they perform it (amazingly too. Can you tell I really like these guys?).  
'A Little Biddy Help From Elvis' belongs to Space and co. They're cool too. 'Lets Get Ready To Rumble' belongs to Ant & Dec, two of the funniest guys on the planet.  
Drink: Coca cola and 7up are (I think) all registered trademarks of the Coca-Cola company, etc etc.  
R.Whites belongs to whoever R. White is.  
Vimto? Well, I'm not sure who that belongs to. Except me! I have a about 24 cans of it! But seriously, I thank the genius person for thinking it up. And putting so much sugar in it.  
Irn Bru belongs to someone. And I know that Caz is thankful for it.  
Food: Frosties and Coco Pops are both Kellogg's things. I think. So is Evil Dr Cheetah and co.  
Smarties belong to Nestle. Frosted Shreddies... I think do too. Not sure.   
Tunes belong to the Mars co. In Slough. I drive past the factory often and smell the chocolate.... mmm....  
Eggs belong to chickens. But which came first?  
Crunchies are Cadbury. So is Bounty chocolates. I think. Not sure.  
Super Noodles are Bachelors.  
Others: The Goodness Gracious Me stuff belongs to them. Not sure.  
The Splatoon stuff, the Pokérap and the Stripping vicar are all ideas stolen from SMTV:Live, an incredibly funny programme. It's not surprising it's funny cos And & Dec are on it.  
The orange sherbet thing is from Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. Funny.  
Bounty kitchen roll belongs to Bounty kitchen roll, I think.  
The 'No offence' New Zealand woman thingie, the 'Suits You' thingie, and the 'Bollocks' thingie all come from the Fast Show. The second funniest show on earth.  
Tim Nice-But-Dim was created and acted by Harry Enfield. The most hilarious man in the world.  
the Weakest Link thingie is from the BBC show The Weakest Link. The slogan is by Anne Robinson, who is actually a nice person.   
Well, I think that's about it. Well done.  
I hope you guys all enjoyed the little snippet of Madness. I wrote it while high on 4 cans of Vimto.


End file.
